Episode I

Block Wars: Saga Episode I – Phantom but Deadly

A long time ago, when this was still funny….

BLOCK WARS: SAGA

EPISODE I

PHANTOM BUT DEADLY

EXT. SPACE

We pan down, a small cruiser is heading towards camera. We pan with the cruiser as it heads toward Naboo, surrounded by hundreds of Trade Federation Battleships.

C1S1A1


int. cruiser

The Captain and the Pilot maneuver closer to one of the battleships.

Qui-Gon

(off screen)

Captain.

The captain turns to look behind her.

Captain

Yes, sir?

QUI-GON

Tell them we wish to board.

CAPTAIN

Yes, sir.

The captain turns to her screen, where Nute Gunray waits a reply.

Nute

Hello?

CAPTAIN

With all due respect for the Trade Federation, the Ambassadors for the Supreme Chancellor wish board.

NUTE

No.

The screen goes black. Out the cockpit window, the sinister battleship looms ever closer.

CAPTAIN

Uh, he said no.

OBI-WAN

Ram it.

Int. Docking Bay

The cruiser rockets toward the federation battleship, crashing into the hangar.

Rocketing out of the windshield before it erupts into flames, the two jedi fly into a group of battle droids and begin slicing and dicing.

Obi-wan and Qui-gon stand among the rubble and broken droids.

OBI-WAN

I have a bad feeling about this.

Int. hallway

A small protocol droid walks in to greet them. It has a female voice.

TC-14

My name is TC-14. Your trial version of TC-14 has expired! If you’d like to unlock the full version, please insert 25 credits into my chassis to continue! Or visit our website

QUI-GON

(interrupting)

Uh, later.

They’re taken down the hall.

Int. Conference Room

The two cloaked figures are seated.

TC-14

My name is TC-14. Your trial version of TC-14 has expired! If you’d like to-

QUI-GON

Alright enough!

The droid leaves. The two figures remove their cloaks and hoods.

Int. Battleship’s Bridge

Nute Gunray and Daultray Dofine are in the bridge as TC-14 enters.

The two jedi are on a viewscreen being spied on.

TC-14

My name is TC-14. Your trial version-

DAULTRAY DOFINE

Sir, the ambassadors are jedi knights.

NUTE

Hmm. We had better be careful around them.

DAULTRAY DOFINE

Sir, they’re in the room with the gas leak.

NUTE

(quickly, depserately)

The room with the what?

INT. CONFERENCE ROOM

TC-14 makes her way into the room with drinks on a serving tray.

Smokes starts billowing out of a vent on the lower side of the room.

QUI-GON

Oh.

OBI-WAN

What?

QUI-GON

They’re hotboxing in there.

He yells towards the wall of the vent.

QUI-GON

Come on, man, not while you’re working!

A beat.

Qui-gon sniffs the air again.

QUI-GON

Wait a minute…

They realize it’s not pot smoke but deadly gas.

QUI-GON

Yeah, no, this is posion. Alright, negotiations are over. Saber-time.

OBI-WAN

Witty one liner!

The quickly stand and ignite their sabers.

INT. OUTSIDE CONFERENCE ROOM

The droids are lined up and ready. A hologram of Nute commands them.

NUTE

Oh god, check on them, make sure they’re still alive.

The hologram fizzles out.

The droids open the door. Smoke rolls out into the room.

TC-14 stumbles out.

TC-14

My name is TC-14. Your trial-

Suddenly two light sabers and silhouettes can be seen and cut off the droid’s speech. The green saber lunges and takes TC-14’s head off. The droids attempt to attack but are cut down in vein.

INT.  BRIDGE

Nute

Hey wait? They’re killing all my droids!

Rune

What do we do?

NUTE

Send in the destroyer droids!

INT. OUTSIDE CONFERENCE ROOM

Obi-Wan continues to destroy droids as Qui-Gon makes his way to the doors. He starts cutting through.

INT.  BRIDGE

RUNE

Oh god, they’re cutting through the door!

NUTE

Shut more doors!

RUNE

WE DON’T HAVE ANY MORE DOORS!

INT. OUTSIDE CONFERENCE ROOM

Doors are shut on Qui-Gon. However, he looks at his saber, realizes it is still solidified plasma and hotter than a star, and continues to cut, this time whistling.

Destroyer droids make their way down the hall way. Qui-Gon senses them.

QUI-GON

Uh oh. Destroyer droids.

OBI-WAN

Battle plan delta?

QUI-GON

Delta is run away cartoonishly fast, right?

OBI-WAN

Right.

The two Jedi quickly make an escape, scooby-doo sound effects as they run.

The destroyer droids rush in, slightly too late.

Destroyer droid

Uhh…

They sit silent for a few seconds.

DESTROYER DROID

Well this is awkward.

INT. DOCKING BAY

The two Jedi have made their way into the docking bay where hundreds of droid ships are making their way to the surface of Naboo for an invasion.

The two sneak aboard and make their way down to the planet.

INT. BATTLESHIP’S BRIDGE

Nute is inspecting the molten metal still sizzling from his door where Qui-Gon almost made it through.

NUTE

Oh, I am not getting my deposit back.

Ext. Naboo

As the Jedi land on the planet, they realize the scope of the invasion happening.

Droids are everywhere, zipping around, forming in groups.

Obi-wan and Qui-gon make their way toward the palace.

Int. Theed Palace staircase

Nute has made his way down to the planet and is escorting Queen Amidala and her company.

NUTE

You are going to sign the treaty!

Amidala

I will not condone an action that will lead my people to war.

NUTE

You will, in time.

They approach a group of droids.

NUTE

Process her.

Droid commander

Roger roger.

He leaves.

They stand for a beat.

DROID COMMANDER

What did he say? I zoned out.

DROID

I don’t know, it’s not my job to listen.

DROID COMMANDER

Let’s just walk them around and look important.

DROID

Can do.

Ext. Theed plaza

The group is being escorted around. Obi-wan and Qui-gon are sneaking around and take notice.

They jump down, cutting apart the droids with ease.

QUI-GON

Your highness, we are the ambassadors for the supreme chancellor.

Bibble

Your negotiations seemed to have failed.

OBI-WAN

Oh, I don’t like you at all.

Captain Panaka steps forward.

Panaka

We need to get out of here!

The group moves forward to some ships.

A battalion of droids wait nearby. Obi-wan begins slicing and dicing.

DROID

Where are you going?

QUI-GON

I’m taking these people to Coruscant.

DROID

Coruscant? Uhhhhhh… well, uhhhh…

Obi-wan is still going to town on droids in the distance, doing sweet flips and tricks.

DROID

Uhhhhh….. uhhhhhhhhhh…. uhhhhhhhhh

Droids are being mercilessly destroyed, many of them screaming out in terror.

DROID

Uhhhhhhhhhhhh…. that doesn’t compute, you’re under arrest!

As he gets his sentence out, Obi-wan is behind him cutting up the two droids standing nearest to him. As the order leaves his robot mouth his head is sliced clean off.

The group all move to a silver ship in the hanger and take off with a pilot waiting nearby.

EXT. NABOO

The ship takes off.

EXT. SPACE

As the ship leaves the planet, one of the Federation battleships notices.

INT. BATTLESHIP gunner

A couple of droids sit at battle stations monitoring the area.

One droid is manning the guns, the other is reading a magazine titles “POPULAR ROBOTICS.”

DROID

They’re making their way through the blockade!

DROID COMMANDER

Uhg, fine, fire.

EXT. SPACE

It fires on them, clipping a bit of the ship’s backside.

INT. BATTLESHIP gunner

DROID COMMANDER

Well, we tried.

DROID

This is a terrible blockade.

INT. BATTLESHIP’S BRIDGE

Nute and Rune sit around a conference table. A hologram of Darth Sidious appears.

NUTE

They were able to get away.

SIDIOUS

What? Why? You have hundreds of battleships around the planet.

NUTE

We have about 12.

A hologram appears behind him. It’s Darth Maul.

SIDIOUS

I seem to have made a mistake betting everything on you. I’m sending my apprentice, Darth Maul.

Maul stares angerily at Nute.

SIDIOUS

Yes yes, eager fellow he is.

INT. Naboo crusier – cockpit

Pilot

Damn, they hit our hyper-drive.

QUI-GON

We’ll have to stop somewhere and get it replaced.

PANAKA

How about here, Bespin, it’s a mining colony gas giant in the outer-rim it’s sure to have-

QUI-GON

Let’s go here. Tatooine.

PANAKA

Tatooine? That planet’s a desert, it’s mostly outlaws and smugglers.

OBI-WAN

Exactly, imagine how many great bars there are down there.

EXT. SPACE

The crusier moves toward the giant yellow planet of Tatooine.

Ext. Tatooine

The ship lands on the desert planet.

The group walks toward Mos Espa spaceport.

The approach Watto’s place.

OBI-WAN

We’ll try one of the smaller dealers.

QUI-GON

They’re all smaller dealers.

QUI-GON

It’s good to support local business.

PADME

I will not condone an action that will lead my people to war.

OBI-WAN

Look, it’s the first shop we’ve seen and I don’t want to keep walking it’s hot.

Int. random Shop

A flying bug man who is similar to Watto but not Watto approaches them.

Not-Watto

Eyyyyy! How can I help you my friends?

QUI-GON

I need parts for my ship.

Not-WATTO

Uhh, this is a carpet shop, we sell carpets.

Akward silence.

EXT. TATOOINE

The group leaves and enters another shop.

INT. RANDOM SHOP

Another Watto-like creature.

QUI-GON

I need parts for my ship.

NOT-WATTO

Hello my friend, unfortunetly we sell bathtubs.

EXT. TATOOINE

They leave again.

QUI-GON

See?

OBI-WAN

Shut up.

They enter another shop.

Int. Watto’s shop

Inside they meet Watto.

QUI-GON

I need parts for my ship.

WATTO

Well you came to the right place my friend!

QUI-GON

Thank the Force.

WATTO

Hey! Kid! Get the hell out here we got customers!

A small boy approaches. He doesn’t speak coherent English but instead baby-talk babbling.

Anakin

Bluurhrhaggshs.

WATTO

The kid’s uhh… he’s a good kid, you know? Nice.

ANAKIN

Ag-bb-blluurrhhhheee.

Watto and Qui-gon leave to discuss business.

Anakin sits next to Padme making noises.

ANAKIN

Bllppppptttpp.

Padme stares off into the distance trying ever so hard to ignore what’s happening.

EXT. TATOOINE

They walk outside the shop.

WATTO

Sooo, I’ve got the part you need but it’s like a ba-billion space bucks.

QUI-GON

Hmmm, we have republic credits.

WATTO

Ehh, spacebucks only.

QUI-GON

I’m afraid I don’t have any…

WATTO

Well I mean, here on Tatooine we’re really into, you know, games of chance… a little bit of the ol’ numbers game… you know, illegitmate means of making money…

OBI-WAN

Oh you mean gambling? Yeah we do gambling.

WATTO

Eyyyy!

INT. WATTO’S SHOP

Watto and Qui-gon enter.

WATTO

So what you do is you race the pods and when you win, you get a bantha-load of money

QUI-GON

I like it.

ANAKIN

Beerrbbppp.

Anakin, wandering around and knocking shit over, walks to a door and opens it, revealing an unfinished droid, C3P0.

He clicks him into an on position.

C3p0

(turning on)

… wwwoooaaAAAHHH hello, I am c3p0 human cyborg- AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

He screams for a beat.

OBI-WAN

What is this thing?

C3P0

My life is pain.

QUI-GON

Hello friend.

C3P0

My creator was a child.

ANAKIN

Bllleeeooorrrryy.

C3P0

(turning to Qui-gon)

Will you kill me?


WATTO

Look put the robot in the pod, he’ll win for sure.

C3P0

I get to be… a podracer?

OBI-WAN

Yeah, whatever let’s go get some sweet cash.

Ext. tatooine – podrace course

Large crowds surround the course as the podracers get ready for the race.

A small probe droid buzzes around our heroes.

EXT. TATOOINE

Nearby, on a cliffside, the droid flies over to Darth Maul as he watches.

The droid opens up a small viewport to show Maul the recording.

A hologram of Sidious appears.

SIDIOUS

Qui-gon is on Tatooine, good. The jedi will be no match for you.

A beat.

SIDIOUS

Pick me up some ice cream on your way back.


EXT. TATOOINE – PODRACE COURSE

They make their way to the pod.

C3P0

Finally my life has some meaning.

The group walk up to the pod.

Qui-gon picks up C3P0 and tries to insert him into the sheat but he doesn’t fit.

QUI-GON

Hmm, this pod is absolutely child-sized.

C3P0

No, please no.

QUI-GON

Hmmm.

He looks around for a replacment.

C3P0

My legs will come off, I don’t need them.

He spots Anakin.

QUI-GON

Okay, I guess you’ll do.

ANAKIN

Blrrrppptt-yeeeaahh.

Qui-gon tosses C3P0 aside. C3P0 makes an “ouch” every time he bounces on the ground.

Qui-gon picks up Anaking and dumps him headfirst into the pod.

QUI-GON

In you go!

C3P0 looks on at Anakin in abject horror that only the emotionless face of a droid can convey. His eyes glow red but for a moment.

The race is about to begin, the racers take to their pods.

Announcer

Racers to your pods! And now, for the opening ceremony, our local soverign, Jabba the Hutt!

JAbba

(speaking like an adult from Charlie Brown)

Wha wha, wha wha whaaa wha wha wha whaa. Whaaa!

Jabba waves on. The starting lights count down, and suddenly the race is underway.

EXT. TATOOINE

As the racers get on the course, Anakin hits his pod at full throttle.

His pod is durable and heavy compared to the others, as he approaches racers he hits them, knocking them out of the race in a spectacular explosion.

For a breif moment they pass through a cavern, stone wall covers the screen.

As they leave the other side they are suddenly in the n64 podracer game until again they pass through a cavern, shot unbroken, the other side back to bricks.

One pod screams into the start of the race on the second lap and hits a bank, careening into the crowd killing hundreds.

Ext. Podrace crowd

QUI-GON

He’s doing quite well.

OBI-WAN

Surprisingly not dead.

EXT. TATOOINE

As the racers reach a canyon, some Tuskan Raiders begin firing onto the track.

Their shots ricochet off Anakin’s seemingly indestructible pod, flying indiscriminately into other racers, taking them out immediately.

The race comes in again for the third and final lap, more pods crashing and burning into the crowd, absolute chaos.

As Anakin and Sebulba reach a narrow passage, they fight over the lead. Sebulba knocks Anakin into a wall, killing several onlookers. The wall leads off to a ramp that Anakin hits at full speed, skyrocketing into the sky.

He keeps going, and going, up up up. His pod is reaching the upper layers of Tatooine’s atmosphere.

EXT. PODRACE CROWD

OBI-WAN

Oh, spoke too soon.

EXT. TATOOINE

Sebulba looks upward in horror. While distracted he accidentally knocks one of his pod engines into a wall, it flies off and explodes, his other engine thrashing around until it too detaches. Sebulba screams as his pod is sent at full speed toward the ground, skidding the sand as he comes to a violent stop.

EXT. TATOOINE – PODRACE COURSE

The crowd is silent, all of the other pods are destroyed. A single racer putters towards the finish line but explodes before he can cross it.

Everyone sits in stillness unsure of what’s happened.

Suddenly, Anakin comes crashing down at full speed from his jump, his engines exploding on impact and the pod itself stuck firmly into the sand.

Everyone is shocked, but they look, he has indeed crossed the finish line.

ANNOUNCER

It looks like Anakin Skywalker is… the winner!

Suddenly the crowd goes wild.

Anakin, completely unaware of the events of the race, crawls out of the wreckage.

ANAKIN

Blub blee heeeeeh hheee.

Behind him is a desolate scene of wasted pods, hundreds of dead onlookers, and mass carnage.

OBI-WAN

Yes! We’ve won so many spacebucks!

Everyone celebrates.

Padme approaches, visibly miffed.

PADME

Uhm… the ship?

He stares confused until it dawns on him.

OBI-WAN

…. the SHIP!

EXT. TATOOINE

The giant silver cruiser blasts off overhead.

Shmi

Where is… where is Anakin?

C3P0

Son of a bitch.

The camera pans over, Maul sitting on his speeder watches the ship leave and takes off to follow.

Ext. Space

The giant silver ship rushes towardcs Coruscant.

Ext. Coruscant

Qui-gon and Obi-wan make their way to the jedi temple. Anakin is teetering behind them, confused, being pulled along by a child harness.

Int. jedi temple

Inside, the jedi sit around a large circular room with adjacent chairs. A cloud of constantly bellowing smoke tinges the air. Bongs and snack wrappers litter the floors.

As they enter they shake their heads.

QUI-GON

Smokes a little heavy today boys… (cough)… I bring you news…

OBI-WAN

Tatooine is a great place to gamble.

He coughs.

Mace Windu

… and the negotiations with the Federation?

OBI-WAN

Oh my god are we still talking about that? Honestly, I forgot.

Yoda

Heh hehehe, me too, me too…

MACE WINDU

Well did anything happen while you were-

He suddenly notices Anakin.

MACE WINDU

What’s uhhh… who’s your little friend?

ANAKIN

Hehhhhaaabblllppt.

QUI-GON

Who?

YODA

The boy.

QUI-GON

What boy?

Yoda reaches out with the Force.

YODA

Hmmm. He’s strong with the Force.

OBI-WAN

Perhaps he can be trained to be a Jedi?

ANAKIN

Blppblllllppptt heeheheeee.

YODA

Perhaps… leave him here. For now we must go to the senate and see what’s going on with the trade negotiations.

QUI-GON

What the fuck are we talking about?

Int. Galactic senate

The group moves into the senate chambers, a vast array of floating pods where each planet has a represenative.

The supreme chancellor is in the middle talking to the crowd, Senator Palpatine currently has the floor.

He is dressed in dark robes and has a puffy monster face, there is no question that this man is doubling as Darth Sidious.

No one seems to notice.

Palpatine

If the federation moves to defer the motion, then we need to find a resolution to end this congressional session.

Chancellor Valorum

This congress is still in its authority to debate the severity of the Federation’s allegedly illegal blockade on the planet of Naboo

PADME

I will not condone an action that will lead my planet to war.

CHANCELLOR VALORUM

Yeah, I think war is probably already happening, m’lady.

PALPATINE

We must issue a vote of no confidence for the chancellor!

PADME

I will not condone an action that will lead my planet to war!

CHANCELLOR VALORUM

Yes, we understand.

PALPATINE

Acording to section seven of galactic senatorial bylaws, when if the chancellor is unable to perform his uties to the utmost of his abilities as seen fit by an elected body, then he is under planetary constitutional oath to allow for a vote of no confidence in so which a new elected offcial can hold the proceedings for the congressional vote of a chancellor to preform te remainder of his term until a puplic election can be held.

As the politicians are talking, we only hear some of what their dialog actually is as it starts to fade into an obscure, muffled background.

As this happens, we hold on a shot of Obi-wan, now with the classic Blockhead smile, staring somewhere into the middle distance. As the politicians talk more and more, the facce slowly shrinks and shrinks into his head until it is microscopic.

The camera zooms ever so slightly onto him. We do not actually hear the end of this debate.

SMASH CUT TO:

INT. CRUISER

Obi-wan wakes up suddenly and abruptly on the cruiser ship.

OBI-WAN

Ohmigod what happened!?

QUI-GON

You blacked out my friend, turns out the council’s strain was a little too heavy for you.

Anakin is walking around on the ship.

OBI-WAN

(pointing to Anakin)

Why did you bring that?

QUI-GON

Bring what?

INT. naboo hangar

The two jedi rush in.

QUI-GON

Alright, all we’ve got to do is find the thing that controls all the droids and disable them.

OBI-WAN

You know that thing’s in space, right?

QUI-GON

Fuck.

Meanwhile, Anankin is bumbling around the hangar bay.

ANAKIN

Boopbooppbooo.

He stumbles and falls from a height, landing directly into a naboo fighter face down. R2D2 is loaded into the ship already.

R2D2

You are not supposed to be here.

Other fighters are taking off to fight in space. Anakin kicks a lever sending them off with the rest.

EXT. NABOO

The ships take off and leave the atmosphere.

Ext. Space

As the fighters appraoch the battleships, we see them whip around blindly.

Naboo Pilot 1

Oh god, these things are ass to control.

NABOO PILOT 2

Are you using mouse and keyboard? You gotta turn that off.

The first pilot is using an old trackball mouse in his cockpit.

NABOO PILOT 1

Ohhhh.

Another fighter flies by, perfectly.

NABOO PILOT 1

Hey how come he’s flying so perfectly?

Int. Naboo Fighter – cockpit

On the windows of the cockpit are several posters for different versions of Microsoft Flight Sim.

The pilot has a cocky grin on his face ans is using a very complex looking Sidewinder joystick.

He raises one eyebrow knowingly.

INT. NABOO HANGAR

Obi-wan and Qui-gon approach the very large and inexplicable door.

It opens to several droids, all swarming the jedi in battle.

Qui-gon and Obi-wan begin immediattely slicing up the droids as more continue to flood out, but it never seems to be enough.

One droid is knocked to the ground. He looks up wearing Smith glasses.

Smith Droid

More.

More doors open, droids are frantically flooding the room but being swiftly chopped.

At one point a door opens and droids literally flood out of it.

When the battle is finished and no more droids are left, Qui-gon turns to Padme.

QUI-GON

I can only protect you, I cannot fight a war for you.

The scene pans around, thousand of droid corpses fizzle and smoke.

Naboo pilots tiptoe around piles of droid bodies, crunching with every step.

Suddenly, Duel of the Fates plays. The characters can hear it.

OBI-WAN

Huh.

QUI-GON

Oh no…

The giant door opens again revealing Maul.

QUI-GON

Darth Maul.

OBI-WAN

You know him?

QUI-GON

We frequent a lot of the same clubs, he’s actually a really good dancer.

OBI-WAN

Is he going to be tough to beat?

Darth Maul takes out his saber, turning one of the blades on.

QUI-GON

Nah, we’ll be fine as long as he only has the one lightsaber.

Maul turns on the second one.

OBI-WAN

Well fuck.

The two begin to attack Maul and engage him in battle. They move inward.

Int. Power generator

The three fight in an intense display of sowrdsmanship- but like, for real this time, not Blockland.

QUI-GON

This scene is so intense, the animator must be getting carpal tunnel!

They make their way to a hallway with several force feilds.

OBI-WAN

Well this is… why is this here?

Qui-gon sits down and begins to meditate.

OBI-WAN

No seriously, is one force feild not enough? What is this protecting?

QUI-GON

Shut up, I’m mediatating.

OBI-WAN

Why?

QUI-GON

So I can look…

The door opens.

QUI-GON

(con’t)

… really cool!

He lunges at Maul, they swing a few times, but ultimately Maul gets the best of Qui-gon, bringing his saber into his stomach.

OBI-WAN

NOOO!

DARTH MAUL

(getting close and whispering)

This is for never picking up your tab.

QUI-GON

(dying)

I always… paid for… the wings…

The rest of the force field doors open to allow Obi-wan to escape.

He rushes at Maul, who watches on awaiting their battle.

Obi-wan is far from the camera but still running.

Maul still watches.

Obi-wan still running.

Maul waits.

Obi-wan runs, ever so diligiently.

Maul is becoming impatient, the stretch of time is taking far longer than it should.

Obi-wan continues.

Maul waits.

Suddenly, out of Monty Python, Obi-wan is right on Maul and cuts him directly in half.

Maul staggers and falls, both of his peices tumbling into a pit below them.

Obi-wan walks over to his fallen master who still has some life left in him.

QUI-GON

(dying)

He will be back… (coughs)… in the expanded universe…

OBI-WAN

(tenderly)

No one cares about the EU, master.

QUI-GON

(trailing off at the last line)

You must promise me… you will train the boy… so he doesn’t shit anywhere…

OBI-WAN

The boy? What? Train him… to be a jedi? Wait, where is Anakin?

EXT. SPACE

The naboo fighters are trying their damndest to take out the main battleship but to no avail.

The ships are incredibly tiny and on sticks.

Suddenly, literally screaming in a high-pitch child’s voice, Anakin’s ship comes rushing in.

Int. cockpit

Anakin is shitting his pants.

ANAKIN

EEEEEEKKKK-AHHHHHHHHHHHH!

EXT. SPACE

His fighter runs into several other allied fighters, blowing them into peices.

He crashes directly into the hull of the battleship[ and makes his way into the ship’s innards.

The ship’s cannons fire, letting two laser blasts into the center of the ship.

We cut to a wide angle of the battleship, Anakin’s fighter screaming out of it (literally)- it blows sky high.

INT. POWER GENERATOR

Two droids rush in to arrest Obi-wan after hearing the duel.

DROID

Hey, you! You’re coming with me!

Suddenly they stop. Both power down.

OBI-WAN

That was rather anticlimatic-

Both droids explode violently.

OBI-WAN

There we go.

EXT. NABOO

The city is celebratory as they’ve won the day. The most important members of the jedi council have arrived to see the victory.

YODA

Ahh, Obi-wan. Very clever what you did with the droids.

OBI-WAN

I didn’t do anything, master Yoda, it was the boy…

YODA

What boy?

OBI-WAN

The boy… the one who’s really powerful with the force?

YODA

There was a boy?

Ext. Naboo – funeral

The jedi are mournful of their lost friend.

Qui-gon’s body is lit aflame.

Mace and Yoda ponder.

MACE WINDU

There is no doubt, the mysterious warrior was a sith.

YODA

Hmmm. Sith are like shoes… always two pairs.

MACE WINDU

But which was destroyed? The left shoe or the right?

YODA

Hmmmm. Bad analogy I made.

EXT. NABOO

Everyone is cheering as the day has been won.

Despite being elected chancellor, Palpatine is distraught.

PALPATINE

(to himself)

Hmmph. A shame the loss of Darth Maul.

ANAKIN

Blaahhgghhaha.

PALPATINE

Yes, I suppose you’re right, one does need to look on the bright side. Or in my case… the not-so-bright side.

He chuckles to himself.

Anakin laughs in baby.

PALPATINE

I like you, kid. I can see great things in our future together.

ANAKIN

Bluurrrgg.

He throws up on himself.

We pan out, the crowd continues to cheer as everyone stands around for the hero shot. The crowd cheers. The end.